Harriet's Kindle

Arrived and I set it up ... cooler than mine, esp camera, both still and vid, if you post by email and attach photo, pub'd at blog! Talk about easy. I think she cd get into this.

Set up apps and favs ... gave her new gmail acct so she doesnt get 50 sale offers a day...var apps and sec protection, no purchases without pw, etc ... it's a gem of a tablet.

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In the mind of a writer

"It's all material," wrote novelist/screeneriter Wm Goldman. Very true.

I thought I was done writing (inside-out "real" writing, not the outside-in entertainments we do for money) because I had exhausted my well of experience. I already was repeating myself. The End.

Suddenly I have new experiences to brood about! Back to the drawing board.

Been trying to get the right first sentence for about a week now, to what probably will be a long short story, 30 to 50 page range. Same storytelling strategy I used in last novel, and learned from Evan Connell's brilliant, amazing novel MRS. BRIDGE, the slow layering of titled vignettes. No title but I will look for an appropriate title in a west coast jazz piece. Working title is My Funny Valentine after the Mulligan-Baker classic.

Here is the draft of a first sentence:

Days after the event, AK calculated that at the very moment his wife Amanda was collapsing on the street, her heart stopped, her brain deprived of oxygen, he was in the travel agency office arranging his solitary move to Tucson.

###

The story of a marriage. Like all inside-out writing, based on my own experience. Many things made up.

I have a project for 2015! Not before. This first sentence is a security blanket. Six mos from now I know how I want to start.

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Post visit

Curious if she remembers anything about the home visit. Will find out at breakfsst.

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News

I haven't watched the news since Sept 16. Before then I watched local at noon and 5-530, then national at 530, and sneaks at CNN through the day.

Absurd. There is very little "news" - it's mostly olds, the same verbs repeated again and again with different nouns attached.

I think the only real news in my life time is climate change. Nature wins.

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Bedside

H sleeping. Lunch and our pass ... I think we talk to doctor first, rehash the ground rules.

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The mysterious mind

Harriet's condition is fascinating and frightening at the same time, esp after a surprising morning like today (see other blog). Exhausting to deal with but actuality I think I'm a good fit for her needs right now (I would suck at helping physical needs). I think I'll call it Zen Existentialist Therapy. I think she'll get better, or as far as physical parameters permit. Remember, the great law of the universe is Nature wins.

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Worst case / best case

Worst ... she remains as she us now ... "in the moment," she's herself but she cannot connect one moment to the next ... requires 24/7 care ... can't drive or handle any finances ... in the moment, no one would know anything is wrong ... repeats herself constantly because she can't remember what she said.

Best ... a substantial part of her memory returns ... docs and DMV let her drive again ... can pay her own bills again ... does not require 24/7 care

Neuro doctor told me that where she is in 3 or 4 months is where she is the rest of her life. That's why this is such a critical time.

The great news is that she's alive, and very lucky to be so, and there's a lot of the old Harriet left even in the worst case. In the big picture, we've been blessed.

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Big day

My fear is .... she thinks it's home and back to normal

What I hope happens ... we do our assigned tasks without issues ... we have another serious talk. that she will quickly forget ... we take the dog for a run ... we take a picnic lunch to a park on the Columbia ... we meet Pam for dinner near the hospital.

For communicating the seriousness of the matter, I haven't told her yet she will never drive again unless she improves considerably (so get with the program).

How can she know good things are happening if she can't remember anything?

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Zzzzzz

I am soooooo tired ... but will try and watch some of the UCLA gsme before taking a sleeping pill (insurance).

I hope I end tomorrow in better spirits.

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Mixed day

Got a lot done at home but both visits were disheartening ... she was bored, antsy, impatient, thinking she's in the hospital with no one helping her, and if you tell her how hard they work her and how well she is doing, she forgets in five minutes and we're back to square one.

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Pooped

Almost ready for tomorrow ... Maybe a couple more hrs, inclined yo do it 5-7 a.m. ... maybe I'll get a second wind during the UCLA night game.

Got Harriet an HD Kindle fire with camera ... she can use my prime benefits (registered in my name) and I can help her. Need to monitor her email, keep it low volume and ordered. Putting parental controls on her tablet.

She can watch a bunch of old HBO series free.

One foot after the other.

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Does exhaustion ever end?

Even when I get enough sleep I'm tired. Maybe it will be more restful when she's home and I'm not driving 3 and 4 hrs a day to and from hospitals, which I've done every day since Sept 17.

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Exhausted

New photos but too tired to post tonight ... have to take Aaron to airport at 530a.m. Breakfast with Harriet. Home to prepare house for Sunday visit. Watch a little bball and crash.

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Redecorating

Ordered items to make bathroom/shower safer.

Ordered a 2nd Kindle Fire, for Harriet, can use my prime features, compatible where her first gen Ipad, with very limited apps, is not. We can be on the same digital page, I can password protect it, more control etc ... and great features she can use.

Our regular housekeeper will make sure she returns to a clean house when it's time.

Overwhelming ... but we can do it.

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Up for a moment

Up to pee - and check scores, being too tired to finish two games last night. Both my teams, Angels and Ducks, lost, the latter really surprised me.

Very busy day with my home care training starting. Have to get Aaron to airport at 6 a.m. tomorrow! At least it is Saturday.

Angels will come back. My cousin Robin, a journalist in LA, is their best fan. She saw last night's game behind home plate!

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Five hours!

...home for chores. This is fantastic.

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Bedside

She's tired, freezing. Got heat up, xtra blanket. Starts at 9, mid day rest, ends at 4. "Are my parents dead?"

I'll leave after breakfast. My own busy day.

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Sleeping in

Sketch and I both slept in until 530 ... no sleeping pill.

Her son Aaron flew in kast night ... gives me a block of time for the long list of chores I have ... hope to arrange Sketch visit this afternoon.

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A little sad

Left H after dinner feeling exhausted and confused."Why am I so tired? Why don't they let me do anything?", remembering none if the day's considerable achievements.

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Danger zone

I started H playing solitaire on my Kindle Fire and she ended up applying to buy life insurance. And that defines the present problem.

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Later

She can't remember her good walk to Starbucks, nor her 100% brain tests, which were not about memory.

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Harriet walks to Starbucks, film at 6

Exciting PT ... video on her blog tonight.

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One task at a time

I've been good at not overloading myself ... I do one or two things a day, apart from the visits, and prioritize them. i have house things to do, car things to do, financial things to do, which no one else can do, in addition to the wife and dog needs I address. It could get overwhelming fast if I didn't face it all in an organized manner.

One of my energizing times continues to be slow driving to mellow jazz. The angelic voice of Chet Baker can work wonders.

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The challenge begins

I get training on how to care for her in her impaired mental state. Safety issues, recovery issues. Also need to redecorate the house to be better suited to her special needs. And a few other issues to address. Good news: I am up to it!

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Help

Can anyone recommend a Portland area handyman to put a deadbolt on a door ... need your own tools. ... needs to be done by middle of next week ... Charles, 503-452-8277 BEFORE 9PM

Her day begins

Without a walker, nurse help, walks to BR for a shower. Eager to hear more about this alternative reality.

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Alt reality?

Arrived to a conspiracy theory: the hospital is doing weird things to her, making her forget. Later she said she's been in a different reality. NDE?

Now holding and kissing pboto of parents, grief and tears ...

Trying to get her to nap before 930 and the rough schedule begins.

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A trip

Yesterday H asked if we cd take a train back east to see all her relatives. This is something we should be able to afford AFTER we sell the house, which was our plan anyway since we lost so much income with my retirement. Also an incentive to get it ready to sell. Almost all the stuff to downsize is hers now. I gave away 32 boxes this summer, she has qiute a bit more plus furniture. I assume her kids would want stuff.

So when she gets home, we can downsize together, maybe a few boxes a week, and hope for a good real estate market in a year. Find a more affordable home and see if we can afford that train trip, which I think we could do. And it's something to work toward.

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Sorry, Seattle

http://www.newsnet5.com/sports/kansas-city-sets-record-for-loudest-stadium-in-the-world

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A nice evening at home

Bought a heart assoc cookbook so i can cook and take in treats and goodies.

Crash at 9 if I last that long ... taking pill to be on the safe side, big meeting, but will see how I do without one tomorrow night.

Doing chores a few each day rather than killing myself.

Looking forward to learning what these weekly meetings are about.

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Top 3 ...

... questions H asks me over and over.

1. Can I go home?
2. Is my mother alive?
3. Are my kids ok?

A diet change!

H passed the lunch test, moved to a heart healthy diet, real food, unassisted eating. It's a yummy menu with many sides for creative dishes. A major improvement!

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Tending to myself

I left to beat rush hour, left Barbara there until 6pm, when Pam will take her to the airport. Family meeting tomorrow afternoon.

Having some great vegie sushi for dinner, mellow jazz on, going to bake bread,  do a little organizing of the papers and notes scattered all over hell from the anxiety of taking down this and that on whatever paper was available ... I am feeling much better, best since this happened. I see progress. The physical stuff, which is what I would have the hardest time with as a caregiver, looks great, I think it will be about her memory, and I think she can paint now anyway, whatever happens.

The one complaint I hear more than any other, by far, is .... I never have time to do my art!

To which I say, you have the time you make, sweetie. If it's important to you, you'll drop something to make room for it. Learn to say No!

But she never listens to me. She makes a face.

So the result I hope from this is, She learns to say No!

Changes

H got a roomie, younger woman. Crowded and busy here, we got spoiled.

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Battery charge

I rec'd a very nice email from one of H's friends ... pushed all the right buttons for a writer. Made my day.

Also getting terrific support from a retired minister/writer/friend - the very person who married us.


Sister still in town, flight delay for second day, but gets to spend full day with Harriet. I go later, want to be there when she sees the shrink.

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Home chores

H's email had payment alert ... one complication is she did lots of money stuff online, can't recall passwords, and we can't find them ... another is this happened just after our income went down 5 digits with my retirement (altho 20 yrs at PSU, I was an adjunct, not a penny of benefits)... we had planned for all this, this was the year to downsize, sell the house, and get into a less expensive lifestyle. And then ...

I got it taken care if with a very sweet customer service lady kn India. What a strange world we've created.

So finances, with other complications I won't mention here, might be dicey for a bit, my main stress after her health. But I/we are ok in the short run. Something in prep of selling the house that she insisted doing alone now might have to be done together, which means it will get done much quicker. I already downsized my stuff this summer, giving 32 boxes to the Vietnam Vets of Amer, great stuff from books, dvd, cd, to clothes, shoes, hats, they will love it! I spent six mos in a VA hospital with those guys, I know what a great find in the clothing room feels like (I still wear a Harris tweed overcoat I found there). H got on my case for not selling the stuff, and often I give in rather than argue, but I told her selling this would be bad karma that I don't need and arranged for a vets pickup. A few days before the heart attack H promised me she would downsize two boxes a week. Now we can do her stuff together.

Here is how much the world has changed. In the early sixties, my best buddy needed a loan for college. Small Idaho town. The banker knew him since a kid. I was with him when he picked up the check at the Bank of Troy. As we got into the car, a secretary ran out and said,

"Dick, could you fill out this loan application for our records. No rush."

And they call banking today progress?

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Food

She wants to get off mushy food but won't jump thru the hoops which alone will do this. Stubborn, independent.

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Bedside

I went to great effort to get H a decent cup of coffee, it still sucks. I think I get the picture.

Her first Q, Is my mother still alive? Wept at answer. "Who's still alive?"

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Life is a crap shoot

No medical person would have compared Harriet's and my profiles and chosen her over me as a candidate for a heart attack. Genetic history, past and present lifestyles, diet - everything favors her. In only one area am I more "healthy": stress. She's a worry wort and I no longer give a shit about crap out of my control, which is just about everything. Some atrocity will be on the news, and she'll be in tears and I'll be thinking, How did I end up on such an insane planet? ("there's a hell of a good universe next door, let's go" - cummings).

So I wish our roles were reversed (except I'd rather have gone the whole 9 yards: I've already had more blessed years than I deserve). If it were me, far fewer people would be involed. Instead of a jammed switch board, you could count the calls on one hand (not a complaint!). She is just beginning her journey as an artist. I've been on that road for half a century, enough already. She has kids, grandkids. I have neither. (I have a large literary archive in a culture that prefers their artists dead - otherwise it would stop turning them into hucksters and stars).

On paper, none of this makes sense. Unless, of course, the very methodology of reaching such notions is fundamentally wrong.

Q.E.D.

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Home before dark

Harriet did  most of our night driving because I'm not very good at it ... hence the curb I ran over early in the week, damaging the wheel ... that was at night. I ran over another a few days later but it was small, no damage. The message is, I shouldn't drive at night.

And just as well. I am totally exhausted ... and watching a movie with her, on the DVD in the room, I thought I was going to lose it, she looked so forlorn, it broke my heart.

I'll be there early for breakfast. Another reason to crash early,.

Posting video, then a pill and sleep, I hope.