Starbucks At Three

(Two old men on the patio at Starbucks.) Baker: Did you hear what happened to Eddie? Curt: Another heart attack? B. He got shot. C. Shot?! B. I got the whole story from his sister. She got it from a witness. It's unbelievable. C. What happened? B. He was walking away from an ATM yesterday, broad daylight, when two teenagers come up and point a gun at him. C. Jesus. And he didn't just hand over the money? B. Worse. He starts singing at them, at the top of his lungs. C. He gets more senile every day. B. No, there was a method to his madness. You know how much he loves opera. Especially that one he dragged us to that time. Remember how he'd keep singing the ending for weeks afterwards? C. You had to remind me. B. So that's what he does. He belts out, You can dig a hole for him, you can put him in it, you can cover him with dirt ... Nothing you can do can help a dead man. C. Jesus. B. The chorus over and over, Nothing you can do can help a dead man! And the kids are freaking out, yelling at him to stop, but Eddie just sings louder, Nothing you can do can help a dead man! Eddie looked wild and crazy, waving his arms, the witness said. Finally the kid with the gun freaks out so much he fires, Eddie falls to the ground, the kids panic and run with Eddie yelling after them, You forgot your money, asshole! Meanwhile the witness calls 911 and cops and an ambulance are there in no time. C. Was he hit bad? B. Just a leg wound. C. He could be dead. B. That's what his sister told him. Eddie tells her, And bid farewell to this cesspool of a planet we've created? I should be so lucky. C. Sounds like him. B. Nothing you can do can help a dead man. Can't you just hear him?