I used to think the best way
to pass was in my sleep until
I realized this would mean
my wife would wake up
with a corpse.
The most humane, direct,
easy and logical way to pass
is by taking a "peaceful pill"
given to me by my doctor,
which should be the right
of any citizen over 70,
but this is not the case
and no such pill is available
to me in a culture that
considers the request for
one immoral, even deranged.
My mother died on the spot.
Wham! dropped to the hospital
floor, dead. My father died
on the spot. Wham! dropped
to a cousin's floor, dead.
Maybe it runs in the family
but with my luck I'd drop
wham! while explaining to
my students that the end
of act two coincides with
the low point in the journey
of the protagonist.
Maybe the best I can do
is get a terminal illness
with a very short leash
two or three months to live
and therefore qualify for
the pill from my doctor
under Oregon law. But
this is a mere crumb
of control over what should
be any elder citizen's primary
business, the control of
one's own death.
No, the culture makes it
hard for me. I have to
buy a gun, or jump from
a bridge, or step in
front of a train. Fuck
you, culture! How
dare you call yourself
humane! Where is my
pill? Where is my pill?
I'm not saying I'm ready
to use it. I'm saying I
want the empowerment
of knowing that it's there
when it's time.
I'm saying I want
to be free.
